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Sunday, November 13, 2005 ----- old memories keep flooding my brain...
so, yeah i've been sick since wed. night. i have a cold/cough or something. i've been in bed and hating every minute of it. i don't know if i like laying there getting a break from everything, or i hate being helpless and not being able to get up and move around as i want...i can't figure out which one is worse. i think that i ignored the phone for so long and that i shut off everyone for those few days that today i couldn't shut up. i've been in bed thinking and reminiscing of the past, of forgotten memories that crept up on me and overwhelmed me with such emotion. i seemed to have forgotten so many of the little things, yet being stuck in bed i remembered so many of the little details that made it all come rushing back. poor melissa had to put up with me pulling out old yearbooks and photo albums, recalling old flames, old memories for at least 4 hours. i couldn't stop. it was all flooding my memory and spilling out. it's probably cause i was reading v.c. andrews books which remind me so much of my teenage years and the book that i was reading was about a girl that reminisced about her past throughout the book. i've posted a picture today of me from my prom. i was married and had j.j. already, but i went back to school and graduated. for me that was a huge chapter in my life. i graduated with a husband, a job, and a baby. i did it. i felt great. i should've posted a picture of me at graduation, but this one was cool. i liked it alot. i went with a girl at my school that had a baby so she had nobody to go with. and since my ex was in the field at the time, we went together since i as well had a baby. we were the outcasts i guess you could say. yet we weren't. anyway, i realized after melissa told me that the past brought me to where i am today. and, i'm the happiest i've ever been. i'm in love with my husband, like it was just yesterday that we met. it was love at first site...i didn't know it then, but now that i look back...i know that when i looked at him that day and he made my heart beat more differently than any other person had made it beat, he was different. that doesn't make sense, but in my heart it does. he's so sexy and the greatest. he's just awesome. i love him whole heartedly. when he was holding me tight last night, and breathing on my neck, i thought of a poem in the midst of me falling in and out of sleep. i don't remember it now, but it was sweet, short and to the point. it was along the lines of:
your breath on my neck,
my legs wrapped around yours,
you arm around my waist,
it's YOU I love the most.
i'm sure that was it, but worded somewhat differently. as i was drifting off to sleep i thought that i should write it down, that i should get up and write it so that i would remember. but then i fell asleep and dreamt of wierd things. i've been doing that lately. it's because i haven't been taking my meds at night like i'm supposed to. i ran out. tomorrow, i have a doctor appt. i have to get another mri at md anderson cancer center. i had to cancel my dr. appt that i had friday cause i couldn't even get up off the bed. so now december looks like it's going to full of appt's as well. great...anyway, sandy is trying to get a benefit going for me. she's awesome. i am so greatful to her, melissa and all my other supporters that are helping me through this shit ass time in my life. they and my family are what keep me going. they are the ones who i remain strong for, as well as for myself...i gotta keep my chin up and just keep going, that's what i keep telling myself. just keep on truckin'.
*patty*
me.
Sometimes I'm mad at the world, and I take it out on everyone around me...but for the most part, I'm happy with my life...
But I am a dreamer...I am a MOM, a WIFE, a daughter, an aunt, a sister, a cousin, a grandaughter, a neice, a hardworker, a true friend,
a nag, lazy, mean, bitchy, bossy and hard to deal with, but that's me...
I'm me, no matter what that may be....you can either love me, or hate me...
Did you know that every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back...
I've learned you gotta live your life to it's fullest, cause tomorrow is not promised to us, we gotta take each day and live it like it was our last.
I wanna LOVE my husband like he's never been loved, I wanna be the best mom that I can be to my kids.
I wanna ROCK OUT, WITH MY CROTCH OUT (not literally)...I don't want to have one single regret the day that I die...
I want for people to remember me...
When I grow up, I want to be a photographer...I want to take beautiful pictures of people...it's just my silly dream, don't know if I'll ever get around to doing it....one day Patty, one day...
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