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Wednesday, November 09, 2005 ----- yesterday seems so far away...
so yesterday i had a doctor appt. yeah, another one...can you imagine a week going by w/o me having a doctor appt?? i can't. this friday i have another one, an eye doctor appt. i have to have pictures taken of my eye to make sure that everything is healing correctly. next monday and tuesday i have appt's. at md anderson cancer center. i have another mri, and then i have to review the results on tuesday. yesterday's appt. was for an ultrasound. i had to get one to be sure that i don't have anything growing cause i'm going to get my tubes tied. i had to get pelvic ultrasound which means they have to insert this rod thing into my cooch. yeah, that was a new one to me. pretty uncomfortable. michael's ex wife went with me. that was a story to tell michael when i came home. i was like, "hey, guess what happened to me today?" "the doctor penetrated me with a rod in front of your ex.." it was funny to see his face. he didn't know that she was going with me. i didn't have anyone to go with me, since all my friends have jobs, and me and her don't. i needed companionship. we have become good friends considering all that we have been through. it's so much easier to be friends than to be enemies. i think she agrees. i think she will be my new companion on doctor trips. anyway, so this decision to tie my tubes has got me all kinds of confused. that didn't make sense i know, but i understood what i meant. i'm sad, i know that i will be really sad when it's all said and done. it will mean no more babies. no more of michael's babies. yeah, i know that i shouldn't even be thinking of having any more kiddo's. i should be thinking of my health and not putting myself in any position that could make things worse, but i would LOVE to have one more baby from michael. i love him so much, and it would be so awesome to bear another one of his babies. but, like he told me...he doesn't want me to sacrifice my health when i don't need to. i love him for thinking of me, but i just get so sad. i feel like a part of my womanhood will be ripped out of me and i can never replace it. i think that this is the way it needs to be though. i should just focus on my health, and not be thinking of having any more babies. i have to pray on it hard. i have to make sure that this is what we both want. i'm not at all worried about michael and i splitting up and regretting it. i believe that he is my soulmate and that this is the life that God has intended for me. God doesn't do things to us to make us suffer, he puts us through tests, and i think that this is just a test. me getting vhl that is. i have 3 beautiful kiddo's. brats, but beautiful to me regardless. one of them will turn out right, and take care of me in the end. LOL i just hope that i am making the right choice. i think in the end it will all work itself out. anyway... i'm off to do the chores.
*patty*
me.
Sometimes I'm mad at the world, and I take it out on everyone around me...but for the most part, I'm happy with my life...
But I am a dreamer...I am a MOM, a WIFE, a daughter, an aunt, a sister, a cousin, a grandaughter, a neice, a hardworker, a true friend,
a nag, lazy, mean, bitchy, bossy and hard to deal with, but that's me...
I'm me, no matter what that may be....you can either love me, or hate me...
Did you know that every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back...
I've learned you gotta live your life to it's fullest, cause tomorrow is not promised to us, we gotta take each day and live it like it was our last.
I wanna LOVE my husband like he's never been loved, I wanna be the best mom that I can be to my kids.
I wanna ROCK OUT, WITH MY CROTCH OUT (not literally)...I don't want to have one single regret the day that I die...
I want for people to remember me...
When I grow up, I want to be a photographer...I want to take beautiful pictures of people...it's just my silly dream, don't know if I'll ever get around to doing it....one day Patty, one day...
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