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Tuesday, December 06, 2005 ----- thoughts
sometimes i write everyday, sometimes it takes a few days for something to make me sit in front of the computer and write about it. these past couple of days i've been laying around thinking about what i've done. its so official. i can no longer have babies. and even if i reversed it, it would be one in a million according to the doctor. the nurses kept asking me over and over if i was sure. i knew it had to be done, but am i sure???? no, of course i'm not. i would love to have another one of michael's babies. i would love to have another boy. i always wanted three boys. so anyway, i've been pretty depressed. i know that it's for the best and i know that it needed to be done, but that part of me that knows it's official is sad. michael pretends to understand. i know that he means well. he doesn't understand though because he didn't want anymore kids. he doesn't want to deal with all of that anymore. i've been trying to fill my days with xmas stuff and getting ready for me to leave to the hospital. i know that everything will be fine, but just knowing that i will be gone for a week or longer scares me. i keep thinking who will feed reese breakfast, and who will take the kids to school, and who will wait for them and pick them up, and who will help them with their homework???? i just keep thinking of them. i'm so scared. i'm trying hard not to think negative, but i can't help it. anyway...until the next thought.
*patty*
me.
Sometimes I'm mad at the world, and I take it out on everyone around me...but for the most part, I'm happy with my life...
But I am a dreamer...I am a MOM, a WIFE, a daughter, an aunt, a sister, a cousin, a grandaughter, a neice, a hardworker, a true friend,
a nag, lazy, mean, bitchy, bossy and hard to deal with, but that's me...
I'm me, no matter what that may be....you can either love me, or hate me...
Did you know that every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back...
I've learned you gotta live your life to it's fullest, cause tomorrow is not promised to us, we gotta take each day and live it like it was our last.
I wanna LOVE my husband like he's never been loved, I wanna be the best mom that I can be to my kids.
I wanna ROCK OUT, WITH MY CROTCH OUT (not literally)...I don't want to have one single regret the day that I die...
I want for people to remember me...
When I grow up, I want to be a photographer...I want to take beautiful pictures of people...it's just my silly dream, don't know if I'll ever get around to doing it....one day Patty, one day...
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