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Tuesday, February 07, 2006 ----- hardest letter i've had to write
this has got to be the most toughest decision in my life. i feel as though i just threw away 11.5 years...down the drain, all for nothing. I caved in...I gave in to My mom, to Michael... I quit my job. At least when i was on disability I knew that i could go back, i had that option open and available for 6 months. I can't say that I never said I wanted to quit, sure i said it a million times...but, deep inside i knew that i wouldn't. i feel as if a part of me is just gone...poof and that chapter is over and done with. no more movies, no more customers, no more social life, no more being the boss of a crew...no more blockbuster. wow, i never thought i would say that...i always thought i'd be there till the end, till they went out of business...and, i caved. i'm dissapointed in myself. i'm stubborn, but here i have a man willing to take care of me and provide for me and support our family as long as i take care of the kids, cook and clean. not alot of people have the type of man i have. why do i have to want to be independent. why do i feel the need to work and bring in some kind of income. i feel useless now. being a full time wife and mom should feel good, and i should be proud...but i feel as though people will look down on me cause i have NO job. i'm unemployed...do you know how hard that is to say???? this is actually worse than i thought. i haven't felt an empty feeling like this in awhile. onto the next chapter of life...i've got to prepare myself for it. i guess you can say i've been preparing myself now for the past 5 months...financially anyway...not emotionally. i'm NOT emotionally prepared for this. I feel so alone at this moment.
My note to my boss:
hi,
well, here i am too chicken to call you...so instead i opt for the easy way out, for fear of disappointing you. I'm not so sure if i'm more disappointed in myself for giving in to my husband, or disappointed in myself for making your job harder. Who knows, maybe this will actually make it easier. I'm going to go ahead and formally put in my notice. I guess the 16th will be my last day. Since I had emailed you with my release date, and spoke to Jason...Michael has been on me, giving me the biggest guilt trip. He's come up with just about every excuse for me not to go back to work. My mom says that I should stay home and focus on my kids and my health...that I'm lucky to have someone willing to take on the load of supporting us. I suppose I need to set aside my stubborn side and just take it for what it's worth. In putting in my notice though, I hope that the option for me to come back is still available...if ever the need for me to get a job arises. This decision has not been an easy one....I feel like I'm giving up a part of myself that I worked so hard to achieve. I can honestly say though, that this recovery thing has been hard on my body and has taken it's toll. I would hate to come back and not be able to give you my fullest. I'm sorry to do it like this, I wish I had more guts to do it either over the phone or in person. I'd start crying though, and I hate to cry. Please let me know what I need to do besides give notice. But other than that, Thank YOU for giving me good years and for being the BEST DL that I ever worked for. "Good Managers Lead, the Best Managers Inspire, thanks for being the best."
Sincerely,
Patty Gartman
The End. Literally.
me.
Sometimes I'm mad at the world, and I take it out on everyone around me...but for the most part, I'm happy with my life...
But I am a dreamer...I am a MOM, a WIFE, a daughter, an aunt, a sister, a cousin, a grandaughter, a neice, a hardworker, a true friend,
a nag, lazy, mean, bitchy, bossy and hard to deal with, but that's me...
I'm me, no matter what that may be....you can either love me, or hate me...
Did you know that every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back...
I've learned you gotta live your life to it's fullest, cause tomorrow is not promised to us, we gotta take each day and live it like it was our last.
I wanna LOVE my husband like he's never been loved, I wanna be the best mom that I can be to my kids.
I wanna ROCK OUT, WITH MY CROTCH OUT (not literally)...I don't want to have one single regret the day that I die...
I want for people to remember me...
When I grow up, I want to be a photographer...I want to take beautiful pictures of people...it's just my silly dream, don't know if I'll ever get around to doing it....one day Patty, one day...
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