Monday, September 25, 2006 ----- as my world turns...
so, as you can see i haven't posted in awhile...mostly because my internet sucks ass up here in the apt. as i'm typing this, i can't even see what i'm typing cause my computer is going so slow. this is really actually pissing me off...i decided that i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. little by little my strength is beginning to dwindle. i don't feel as strong as i did when my house first got flooded. yesterday i finally broke, and cried most of the day away, and anyone that knows me knows that i am not a crier. i don't like to cry. but since sat. when michael told me that we might have to finish the house ourselves when he comes home, and that we might not get the last check from the mortgage company...well, i actually broke. that was the last straw. i can't believe that this contracter has fucked us over as much as he has. and it doesn't help that everyone tells us not to give him anymore money...well, we don't have anymore money to give him cause the mortgage company won't even give us the check till the house is 90% done, and i don't know when that's going to happen. this has been a learning experience that's for sure. but it's becoming a nightmare. i threatened to leave the house. not leave michael, but just pack my shit and turn off everything (lights, cable etc.) i blew up on michael, screamed till i couldn't even talk anymore. cried like a damn baby. it was horrible, but i needed to vent. i couldn't hold it in anymore. i told him i wasn't trying to blame him. but if i don't vent on him, i don't know what would happen. i can't stand this anymore, i wish that we could just hire a lawyer and sue the shit out of him. this is so crazy that people can fuck over other people like this and not give a shit. needless to say, i am losing my mind. i am going insane, i am ready to runaway. now michael is leaving for 3 weeks, and i am going to go crazy. i am so sad when he leaves. especailly right now that my house is all fucked up.
anyway, on another note. we went out to radiance on sat. night. don and deanna invited us out there for the finals of the pageant. we had so much fun. deanna didn't win, but the look on don's face when she was dancing for him was awesome. i actually had a lump in my throat, and tears in my eyes cause it was freakin' awesome. i could totally feel the love from way across the room, i could see the way he looked at her and could feel just how much he loves her. i want for michael and i to be like that when we've been together after alot of years. this happned after my friend marcia and i had talked earlier on the phone bout her dad's passing. her parents have been together for 55 years. they married when they were 16 yrs old. they still showed eachother love and affection till the day that he died. her dad passed in his sleep and her mom is all alone now. her mom is happy that he is with his family now, (parents that passed on) and happy that she had all the years and all the love that they shared for as long as they did. my friend said that they were so in love, that you could feel it, and you could see it. she said that everyone is entitled to a love like this. everyone should have at least one soulmate, one love like that. and i feel that michael is my love like that. my soul mate. i am so glad that i have him as my backbone, especially in moments like this where i feel im breaking. i need his glue to keep me together. last night as i lay in his arms, i said to him...you're arms fit me just right. and he says, my arms were custom made just for you. i giggled like a little girl, cause i feel so giddy when he says things like this to me. i love him with all my heart. i love him with all my soul.
so anyway, i need the strength to get through this crazy time in my life, i need support to get me through the next 3 wks while michael is gone. i need a hug.
-patty
