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Tuesday, May 15, 2007 ----- i wonder.
if you know an alcoholic, and that alcoholic is hiding beer, or liquor...would you help them to hide it? if you know a druggie who is fiending for drugs, would you give in to their addictive behavior? if you know a smoker that is trying to quit, would you provide them with the ciggarettes? i don't understand why anyone would want to cater to a person's addiction. i'm mad. i'm hurt. i'm upset. i was thinking today the world had ended. i was thinking that my whole life had just crashed before my eyes. i thought that everything i had ever thought was real, is now just a facade. i am normally the type of person that can get over shit quickly, but tonight i am dragging it on...i am holding a grudge. everyone that knows me, knows that i love deeply. i love with all my heart, and i give people chance after chance. well...my chances are about out. i want to run away. i want to hide out and not come out from hiding. i want to blow up the world and everyone in it. i want to kick someone in the throat. i decided that i am destined to be fucked. not fucked in the good way either. this time i am not giving in. i had a dream last night. i dreamt that all my friends were laughing at me and whispering behind my back. i couldn't wake myself up, but i eventually did somehow. michael is gone today, and in a way i'm glad he's not here. gives me time to think. i'm not perfect. i'm not the "one." when i was younger, like 22 my cousins used to ask me to buy them beer. i wasn't cool like that. i never have been. maybe that's fucked up, but i don't contribute to minors-period. i feel that if a friend of mine is trying to quit, it's not my place to be their conscience but i won't contribute to their addiction. i won't support their habit. i may be there in the same place as they are, but i won't be a part of their destruction. when i first met michael, there was a friend of ours that was drinking while she was pregnant. michael asked her if she wanted a drink, and i was pissed. i told him that if she wanted to destroy her life, that was her choice...but that baby has no choice. my kids have no choice...i have a choice. i can either try my best to be around for my kids, or i can smoke all the time and die quicker. cancer and emphesyma run in michael's family. it kills me to know that he would smoke, knowing that his chances of getting it are higher than people that don't have that family history. maybe i'm just blowing it out of proportion. we talked all day today about smoking and i came to this conclusion...he says to me, i need cigarettes when we are drinking. i'm trying to quote him exactly. he says that when we are in the club that he doesn't have a good time without smoking while he's drinking. so i ask him...is it not good enough that i'm there? i mean, seriously. when i go out, i go out to have a good time with him and with my friends. i'm not there to smoke. drink, yes...but to me smoking isn't that big of a deal. i smoked a long time before i met him, but when i got pregnant with reese i quit. it wasn't easy, and at the beginning of the pregnancy i smoked...but the guilty feelings helped me to quit. i smoked again when he was born, just not as much as michael. he takes it to the extreme. when i was diagnosed with vhl, my dr. said it was a good idea to quit because the smoking might make it worse. so since then i haven't smoked very much. i won't say i completely quit, but i can go without it. if someone i know has a cigarette, i might take a drag..but i don't need to. i was addicted to tylenol 3 after my surgery. it sucked so bad. i didn't mean to get addicted, and was actually not even aware of it until i tried to stop taking them and my mind said stop, but my body needed more. i eventually weaned myself off of it. i knew that i couldn't be addicted and take care of my family as an addict. i come from a family of addicts. my dad and stepmother are alcholics and they both do drugs. my step father is an alcoholic, and at least one of my uncles is. i grew up around violence and abuse. i refuse to be a part of an addictive relationship. whether it be alcohol or just smoking. i refuse to grow old with someone i love, only to see them suffer and die from something they didn't need to begin with. i told michael, i didn't ask for vhl. it wasn't something that i did as a teenager, or am doing as an adult that resulted in me getting it. he has a choice...i'm not sorry that i screamed, and yelled and even sucker punched him in the gut. i feel pure sadness when i think of losing him. i think of the world ending if i lose my soul mate. i want him around when i'm old and gray. but i refuse to be a part of lies. not voluteering information is just as much of a lie, as straight up lying. i know that sometimes it's the right thing to do...keep something to yourself that isn't worth bringing up...but when you deliberatly lie and bring other people into the lie with you...i just think it's wrong. it's a shame that people are put into positions where they have to keep secrets for fear of hurting their friends...i don't blame anyone for not wanting to come forward. i would be stuck in that same spot if someone did that to me. but i refuse to lie to someone if someone asks me straight out. and i am only asking for the same....if i ask you, don't lie to me...right now, i got my blinders on. i feel like the world is against me. i feel like i've lost something that i can never get back....i feel like it's my fault. what the fuck could i have done different? i don't think i can ever trust another person 100%. i see life though a whole new set of eyes...and right now i wish i was blind.
me.
Sometimes I'm mad at the world, and I take it out on everyone around me...but for the most part, I'm happy with my life...
But I am a dreamer...I am a MOM, a WIFE, a daughter, an aunt, a sister, a cousin, a grandaughter, a neice, a hardworker, a true friend,
a nag, lazy, mean, bitchy, bossy and hard to deal with, but that's me...
I'm me, no matter what that may be....you can either love me, or hate me...
Did you know that every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back...
I've learned you gotta live your life to it's fullest, cause tomorrow is not promised to us, we gotta take each day and live it like it was our last.
I wanna LOVE my husband like he's never been loved, I wanna be the best mom that I can be to my kids.
I wanna ROCK OUT, WITH MY CROTCH OUT (not literally)...I don't want to have one single regret the day that I die...
I want for people to remember me...
When I grow up, I want to be a photographer...I want to take beautiful pictures of people...it's just my silly dream, don't know if I'll ever get around to doing it....one day Patty, one day...
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