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Sunday, October 15, 2006 ----- one more week...
one more week till michael comes home. these 3 weeks have actually seemed to fly by. i'm suprised that i only lost it twice since he's been gone. i don't think that i would have lost it though if we would have already been in the house. i just get so frustrated with the kids leaving their junk everywhere in this little bitty space. they can be so dirty and not care about who sees their mess, while i try to maintain a nice little clean house...they would rather live in a pig sty.
other than thinking homicidal thoughts every night before going to sleep. thinking up ways that i can murder the contractor and get away with it...i've been doing alot of work in the house. i finally gave up on the contractor and anyone trying to come out and help me. i decided to get off my ass and do it myself. i went to home depot and bought the kitchen cabinets, counter top and a bunch of other shit. i taught myself how to caulk trim and have now finished destiny's room and reeses room. i will begin j.j.'s room and my room this week, and hope to have that accomplished before michael comes home. i wish that i knew how to do more so i could get the shit done...i even bought a do it yourself book. i know that my house is not what it used to be, but i know that with time i will at least have a house again. it's been raining for 2 days now...i'm sick of the rain. that's what started this whole mess to begin with. i pray that my contractor's house gets flooded so that he can get his in the end. such bad thoughts from such a pristine young lady...LOL
anyway...i went to el paso last week...holy cow. my mom is on the verge of a nervous breakdown! i can't believe how bad my grandma behaves. i always knew that she could be a handful, but i guess this last trip made me see it more clearly. she never wants to get out of bed, and then when she finally does it's only to sit on the couch for a mere 4 to 5 hours before heading back to bed. i know that my mom worries that if anything happens to her, the family will blame her. my mom cried the whole time i was there and i felt so helpless for her. i couldn't take away her frustration. i couldn't bare think about my own problems when i would see her like that. i wanted to take her away from there, but even when we did manage to get out and go to dinner she worried about my grandma the whole time. she was worried that we ended up leaving to take her dinner, only to have my grandma push it away and say she didn't want it. i could tell it hurt my mom, but what could i do? i know that my mom is on the edge...i'm scared of what will happen if something happens. especially now that my brother is in the air force and his pregnant girlfriend is staying there. i'm glad that brenda is there though. she takes some of the shit that my grandma dishes out. she is seeing first hand how much my mom deals with. she is such a sweetheart too, and my grandma treats her so bad. she's so jealous of her and isn't ashamed to act like a kid in front of her and my mom. anyday now though i will be an aunt again. i'm so excited. i can't wait. brenda will be such a good mom. i'm glad that she and herky met. i just hope that herky does grow up and get his shit together. i know that both my mom and brenda are worried about him now. i worry too, but i try not to show them. i act like the strong one around them, holding back my tears when inside i'm torn to pieces. i hugged him before he left and cried on his shoulder. he cried with me. i told him how proud i am of him, and how much respect i have for what he is doing. the fact that he joined at a time when he knows that there is a possibility that he can be sent to war, i can't put into words how proud i am of him. of course i'm scared, but he has stepped up to the plate and it just amazes me. my baby brother is growing up. now hopefully he will be a role model for j.j. that's another story. that boy has driven me to the brink of madness. while i try to be the laid back cool mom...i realized that just doesn't work with him. he seems to need more discipline than the other 2. i can't understand how he doesn't get it. me and michael are way more laid back than our parents were. not to the point of being neglectful...but we try to understand what he's going through seeing that it wasn't that long ago we were kids ourselves. times have not changed THAT MUCH. the world is a little more violent, but we don't act violent here at home...well except for the occasional spankings. but that's discipline. anyway. that boy got suspended again, and again i have to go to the school. but this time i'm a little more on his side cause the teacher does seem to have it out for him. i blame them both though...him for walking in her class with a backpack on when he knows that he's not allowed to have backpacks on in class, and her for trying to clothesline him as he walked in. he got suspended for assaulting her since when she did that he ducked to avoid walking into her arm, and his head brushed her arm...which in his school is assault. wtf??? i would like to show her assault. they need to get the kids that go to school looking and acting like a bunch of thugs instead of picking on the ones that don't do anything. now don't get me wrong, i know that my boy is not innocent or a "good boy" all the time. but i just don't agree with the punishment. he was suspended and has to go to court because he received a citation. what is the world coming too? his high school sucks if you ask me and if we could i would move him in a heartbeat!
but other than that...it's still raining...i can't stand it. i can't sleep cause i'm worried about it getting into the house again. i don't know what the hell to do????
i'll go for now though.
-patty
me.
Sometimes I'm mad at the world, and I take it out on everyone around me...but for the most part, I'm happy with my life...
But I am a dreamer...I am a MOM, a WIFE, a daughter, an aunt, a sister, a cousin, a grandaughter, a neice, a hardworker, a true friend,
a nag, lazy, mean, bitchy, bossy and hard to deal with, but that's me...
I'm me, no matter what that may be....you can either love me, or hate me...
Did you know that every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back...
I've learned you gotta live your life to it's fullest, cause tomorrow is not promised to us, we gotta take each day and live it like it was our last.
I wanna LOVE my husband like he's never been loved, I wanna be the best mom that I can be to my kids.
I wanna ROCK OUT, WITH MY CROTCH OUT (not literally)...I don't want to have one single regret the day that I die...
I want for people to remember me...
When I grow up, I want to be a photographer...I want to take beautiful pictures of people...it's just my silly dream, don't know if I'll ever get around to doing it....one day Patty, one day...
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